Act II [entries|friends|calendar] Ashley [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[27 Apr 2008|07:00pm] Haven't posted pics here in a while, so.... ( pics ) 7 comments|post comment

Overdoing it [17 Feb 2008|05:43pm] Let's start with the bad. The part where I'm clinging desperately to a trashcan in the back of the Round-Up. The part where my friend drives around for an hour looking for my car to get my house keys. The part where the trashcan lets me go and the popcorn-littered cement floor rushes up to meet me. And all the parts after that I may never remember. This is the same thing that happened the last time I did Jager-bombs at Sue's. That time, I woke up next to a friend who hasn't spoken to me since. Today I woke up alone, though I have no idea how I got undressed, and I still can't account for one of my socks..? I'm trying to learn my limits -- but they vary so greatly. The night before I drank about the same amount (albeit a lot slower) and was never anywhere near that far gone. Not that it was all bad! :) I had a great time, especially (and surprisingly) dancing at the Round-Up (I wouldn't mind learning to line dance -- they do give lessons.. :). Alright, I gotta get to work. (Which is also going a lot better, btw!) Cya. (Just so you know Brandy, I didn't drive home. :) post comment

Aftermath? [04 Feb 2008|11:35pm] I spent the whole day crying and arguing with him over text msg. It was horrible.. yet another day of embarrassing myself in the office and getting no work done. I miss him so badly. It's SOO stupid that we're breaking up and we both still love each other.. but the problem is I feel that I love him more than he loves me. Or he really doesn't know how to show me I'm important to him. I can't take that feeling any more.. It was wonderful for five months. I'll always have that. I guess I really screwed up somewhere to go from the person he fell madly in love with (as he and everyone kept pointing out to me) to a person he can easily let go of. I don't know whether to hate him or hate myself. All I know is there's a lot of unrequited love in my heart, and it's going to turn into hate for somebody. I can't manage apathy like he seems to be.. not after feeling so strongly for him. Why does it have to be like that!? Can't I just realize this is what's best for me?? Why do I have to hate anyone?? I don't want to, but it's already boiling over, and I've made a mess of things today. I'll be surprised if he still wants to talk to me tomorrow. Maybe I need him to disappear though.. and forget about him. I dunno.. I just know I'm sick to fucking death of crying!!!!!!!!! 1 comment|post comment

It's over.. [03 Feb 2008|09:04pm] I met him at his place, asked to talk alone with him, and broke it off. I wish I weren't the only one crying... After I got home I took a long walk around the lake behind my apt complex, and nearly picked a fight with these jerks who teased me. Never had either of those things happen to me before, but I was ready to go through with it. I turned, bared my keys in a fist at them and waited until they disappeared back inside. I'm not thinking straight obviously. This sucks. I hate being alone, I hate it even more that I CHOSE to be alone... I have to remember why this is best for me or I erupt in tears all over again. I'm SO SICK of crying!!!! I've been doing nothing but ever since Tuesday morning!! I need to go get ice cream or something. And I was just attacked by a giant f'ing spider. What do you know.. more crying. I hate life a little right now. 2 comments|post comment

Ashley Changes Mind: Relationship In Peril [03 Feb 2008|06:26pm] OK, I've thought about it. Even if my bf is right, and he is, about my problems, that doesn't mean that I'm wrong. I think I should decide for myself what is too much to expect from a partner.. and not settle for what he can provide. I really felt abandoned this week, and he could have at LEAST called or come to see me (like I do for him every time he's down). That's unacceptable, even if he and his other partner don't agree. I set the standards in my life and I deserve to be treated how I want to. Doesn't mean I don't have my own problems to overcome, I have plenty, but at least I admit to them!! At least I'm willing to work on them. He flat out said I expect to much.. that I was wrong, and he wouldn't change. Well fine, he doesn't have to change. No one changes anyway unless they themselves want to. But he doesn't get to have me. I'm moving on. Tonight. (Yes I'm still taking to heart everything he said.. I'll work on all those things so that my next boyfriend will thank my last for losing me.) post comment

Cover Story: BF Criticizes Ashley; Relationship Endures! [02 Feb 2008|10:13pm] I just got the strangest wake-up call. My bf opened my eyes to some of my behaviors I was completely unaware of. And on the night I was considering breaking up with him too. But he turned it all around on me, and what he said made so much sense, resonated so strongly in me, that I knew I was the one who was wrong. I've never had a lover criticize me and live to tell. Usually I disagree, vehemently, and break up with them or start a fight that ends in break up, then I cut all ties. I've never felt good about that. Maybe I'm a little bitchy. :( Last night, when we were finally alone and I was about to let him have it -- after all I had had the worst week in over a year and I felt he didn't do anything to support me -- he turned to me and spoke first, stealing my words. "You and I, we need to talk." I was about to pick a relationship-ending fight with him, and here he is about to criticize me??? At first, I was angry. I don't get angry often, but throughout this week from hell, I've had to rely on anger to keep me from crying non-stop. Plus I've been kinda defensive of the person I've shaped myself into since the transition, even though she's still highly flawed. But with all that I've done to improve myself, to overcome the things about me that I hated, it stings when these things are thrown back in my face... I mean, if they knew how far I'd come since I was a boy... So yeah, at first, I was angry. I wanted to take off the ring he gave me on our second date, slap it on the table and storm out. But I didn't. I listened. And he went on and on.. a seemingly interminable list of my flaws. My defensives reacted sharply at first, then somewhat less fiery, then not all, until I was silently crying repeating "you're right, you're right." And he was. He said some things that shocked me... that I could be kind of a snob, that I made him feel bad about his spiritual beliefs, that I expected him to comfort me like a girl-friend would but also be this strong stoic pillar of a man, that my reckless attitude toward my life and health made it hard for him not to detach himself, that I didn't give people the benefit of the doubt, that he was always on guard making sure my feelings weren't hurt, and on and on. True. All true. And I never realized much of any of it. Some things I warned him weren't going to change. I'm sensitive, that much I know. I'm very sensitive.. for better or for worse. It has nothing to do with my trans condition, I always have been, and it's this sensitivity that helps make me "me." Sure it makes me extremely fragile at times, but it also makes me sincere and emotionally available. It's a gift, and I need to be with someone who understands it the same way. Obviously Baz doesn't; I don't thinks that bodes well. Other things though, other things I want to change. I don't want to be a snob, and I know I used to be... I used to be a horribly opinionated snob! That's something Yankees like me don't realize about themselves until they've lived in the South. Serious. I thought I was cured of it, but apparently not enough for my Texan friends. I'm going to change that! And I do expect too much from him. He can't read my mind. He doesn't speak "girl." He doesn't understand (even when I explain it) that when I'm asking for help, it's emotional support I really want, NOT his possible solutions to the problem that caused me to be upset. I already know how to address those problems.. it's the way they make me feel that I need help dealing with. Guys don't get this... I didn't even understand it as a boy... and I'd forgotten that along the way. I got so upset with him because he acted exactly like I used to when I was a boy. How quickly I forgot. I need other friends for that sort of thing. I can't expect him to be everything. If I like my men uber-masculine, then I'm going to need some emotional friends to talk about the soft stuff with. I need to be less clingy in scary social situations. I need to be more respectful of different spiritual beliefs (that's a hard one for me.. it really irks me that he believes in ghosts and vampires). I need to stop being so cavalier with subjects like suicide and my reckless behavior (I'm still getting a motorcycle though). I need to accept that people will hurt me, and that they usually don't mean to, and I have to embrace the truth that yes I look somewhat masculine and don't always pass -- because it's emotionally exhausting to comfort me all the time (not that I ask him to!). So much to think about. And somehow, all this made me realize what an incredibly patient and loving person he is. He didn't say anything in anger or to hurt me, he genuinely wanted to work out our problems, and he loves me in spite of all my flaws. That, and admitting my expectations were a little unreasonable, clear him of all blame in our problems. Shit. I felt so unworthy. I FEEL so unworthy. I want to be the balanced person he deserves.. I want to be worthy of all the love he gives me even now. What a weird week. Nothing happened the way I expected. Oh by the way, did I mention on Friday I got the loan for SRS in July? Just when I had given up hope too. What a week. 2 comments|post comment

[23 Dec 2007|12:59am] OK, new standards. I won't date anyone that's not mature, drama-free, has no major issues (that he isn't dealing with), communicates his feelings, gives me his full attention when we speak, willing to sacrifice as much for me as I do for them, is gainfully employed and is able to support himself, is single or polyamorous with a very limited number of partners, ALL of which I must fully approve of, does not abuse any substance, does not smoke, is ready to be serious, has some life ambition or purpose other than having a relationship, has friends I get along with, has a family I could love, doesn't expect me to stay quiet and sweet all the time, and doesn't ask me if I've "been taking my meds" when I'm upset. That is the bare minimum. I'm worth at least that much. He should also be things like witty, interesting, sensitive, attractive, etc, but let's start with the basics first. Only one person I've ever dated has come even close, and he wasn't ready to be in relationship (translation: wasn't into me enough to commit). I'm now completely single, and I hate it already. But there's someone out there that's right for me, and I won't find him when I'm in love with "good enough." Looks like I'll be having a lot of "me-time" in the near future. :( 3 comments|post comment

[05 Dec 2007|08:29am] I got to play Rock Band yesterday after work... the drums are really fun! I might have to get it just for them. The guy I had a crush on was the only other person in the building, and we played a couple songs together. It's cool he's still comfortable around me after I had (unsuccessfully) asked him if he wanted to hook up. The crush was wearing off until he found a real Fender Strat in our game room and started playing... and even singing a bit. Omg.. I needed a cold shower after that. post comment

My week in short [01 Dec 2007|11:17pm] 1 - Puppies! A coworker brought seven into the office and I pretty much played with them half the day. <3 Pure love! 2 - Motorcycles! I'm halfway through a two day beginner course and I'm loving it!! I'm the little speed demon of our group too. ;) 8 more hours tomorrow, then no more riding until I can save up for a decent bike. 3 - Drama! My boyfriend's wife and I had a huge fight out at the club. It was really stupid and we've totally made up since, but before that and after she had finished chewing me out for wearing her top, I walked out to her on the dance floor, pulled off the top, tossed it at her, and walked out of the club completely topless. She later told me it was the "ballsiest" thing she's ever seen. Going to be hard to top all that next week. post comment

[24 Sep 2007|09:15pm] MySpace is poisonous. The friend ranking especially... I've had about all the drama I can handle. Yesterday while killing time in the mall, a cute guy who caught my attention an hour earlier on my way in came over and sat by me, and started talking. I played it cool, he looked a little young and since I was sitting down and wearing my sunglasses, I suspected he might have missed cues that I'm trans. I was right on both accounts. He was surprised when I finally told him I was trans (I don't like to let them flirt too much before telling them, in case they get weird about it), and, he was only 16!!! Yikes, jail-bait! He thought I was 17, which totally made my day. I wasn't interested anyway, I was only killing time until I got to see my boyfriend, but he was definitely cute and confident. For the record though, he was still interested even after learning I was trans. :) And, although he never met a transperson before, he had enough tact not to ask what was between my legs. My boyfriend, Baz, is the married guy I mentioned earlier. I'm in love with him too <3 <3... He's incredible. =) Yesterday I hung out with him and his wife, and it was surprisingly not awkward. Polyamory is an adjustment, for sure, but I think I can handle it. He's worth it. As for the others? Things are going really well with Abby too. She's still not handling the poly thing very well, but she's doing better and better with it. Tyler though, I think he might be through with me. :( I still really love him, but I'm just not willing to date him exclusively. Our communication has started to break down and things are getting a little awkward... I don't think I have long to save this relationship, but the only thing I could do would be to break up with Baz, and that's not what I want. I'm not choosing between Tyler and Baz -- I couldn't, I love them both. I'm choosing to share myself and let them decide if they want to be in a poly relationship. Sebastian is back in my life.. somehow he made the transition from lover to friend. It was rough; we said our "final" goodbyes several times, both amicably and angrily, but enough time has passed I guess. Anyway, he got his name legally changed this week! I'm so soo happy for him!! He might even get on T soon! Not that he needs it, but a little facial hair would really suit him well. Gotta run, have to clean up my apartment (and my life) before my mom arrives on Friday. As usual, pics under the cut. ( piccies ) post comment

[30 Aug 2007|02:07am] I had an amazing weekend!! Two wonderful days with two wonderful new people in my life, both look like they're going to become serious relationships already. Can I balance three relationships? We're going to find out. :) But that's not the part that's hard to tell my mom about... it gets stranger: one is a married man, the other is a woman! The married man is in a polyamorous marriage, which really seems to be working for them. His wife has a boyfriend, and he's had girlfriends and boyfriends in the past, and now he has me! :) We met each other a while back at Panopticon, but he was scared to ask me out (how cute!) until last week. And he is SOOO sweet, and cute, and smart and affectionate. And in bed, with me at least, he's a complete Dom, which is f'ing awesome. ^_^ This is my first D/s relationship! The woman is a college-age cutie who's really bright and a lot of fun! We met months ago but just started becoming friends, and to my surprise it went even further. Actually we almost kissed the weekend before, but I told her I thought it'd be a mistake (you know, me being straight and all, lol) and I didn't want to make the friendship awkward... but this weekend it just happened anyway and well, went a lot further than a kiss. This doesn't mean I'm returning to "bi" though. I still prefer male bodies, so it's going to be interesting. It feels like Valentine's and Christmas rolled up into one! I have a vase of pink roses and a phone full of sweet text messages and I'm suddenly a very happy girl. This is the first time anyone's brought me flowers too and, wow.. This is the part where I have to repeat to myself that I deserve good things to happen to me. That's what my therapist says, at least. But I don't believe it deep down.. I feel guilty and wonder when things will go wrong to balance out. Let me go on record now as predicting that I'll die of cancer or cancer-related suicide within 10 years. I'm not even kidding.. just you watch! The incredibly good luck I have is unnatural, and it's got to end sometime. Anyway... So yeah, I'm a sub now! <3 I have the bruises to prove it. ;) I'd never been choked before but I like it -- having your partner completely in control right down to your breathing.. it's hot! And I have to restate just how much I love being bitten. It's one of the few things that will completely undue my self-consciousness and force an absolutely genuine response. You can't think of anything other than those teeth digging deeper into your neck while you claw at his back and try not to scream.. then just when you're at your breaking point and thinking about using the safe-word, he lets you go and holds you and comforts you. In that moment you love him and trust him so much, and you promise yourself you'll never use that safe-word. It sounds kinda twisted when written out like that, but if you're the submissive type, you prolly already get it. :) post comment

Vacation: Day 2 [06 Aug 2007|05:18pm] I wake up on Brandy's couch to a dog licking my face. I hear someone yell "Petey no!" and I fall right back asleep and continue the same dream. Around 4 in the afternoon I wake up again to find Brandy's girlfriend had returned during the night. We talk for a while, I get a call from an old girlfriend (yeah, girlfriend.. it's a long story) and head home. Whatever happened over the next few hours, the stated goal of scouring my apartment sure wasn't part of it. I recall Harry Potter, and a tear-jerking episode of Scrubs, but looking around at the layer of clothes and mail that have weeks ago replaced my carpet, I'm pretty sure I can't scratch off anything significant from this week's to-do list. Except maybe "drink myself silly." Speaking of which... It's Sunday! Gotta go to Church. ^_^ ( read more... ) 5 comments|post comment

Vacation: Day 1 [05 Aug 2007|06:26pm] [Still writing, along with long overdue emails to Lestat and Kamin.]

[18 Jul 2007|01:36pm] It's been two days since you casually remarked that we'd never kiss again, when only moments before I expected to finally be back in your arms by the end of the week.  That was a surprise. Two days... And I still don't know which way is up.  I think I hate you a little.  If you saw just how happy I was three days ago, maybe you'd understand.  post comment

[13 Mar 2007|10:26pm] Hey Journal, Been a long time, hasn't it? You're looking well.. So, looks like I have some free time coming up, and I was wondering if you wanted to, you know.. get back together or something? I mean you don't have to, it's just that you haven't been updated in a while and I kinda miss you. Let's take it slow. How about starting off light.. like with a picture? (Vain as always, I know...) ( pic ) And just for fun, a friend uploaded a vid of me playing Guitar Hero (badly) to YouTube. I didn't know I was being recorded. :o Yeah, I die.. but it was expert mode and I was a pretty buzzed. Be seeing you, space cowboy. <3 Ashley 21 comments|post comment

Off Day [04 Jan 2007|05:50pm] [ mood | drained ] Today was weird, with a capital weird. Strange dreams aside, let's start with the doctor's office. They call me in take my blood a second time this week... when I get there I find out why.  Apparently my testosterone levels, previously in mid-female range (about 33 pg/dL), and prior to hormones in the mid-male range (500-ish pg/dL), was through the roof (over 900 pg/dL)!!!!! What the fuck!?!  How is that possible?!?  I've missed exactly one day of hormones and androgen-blockers in 11 months and my T spikes to super-male levels???  I knew something was wrong.. I've felt like hell for a couple of weeks.  And it wasn't my cold, it wasn't me forgetting to take antidepressants for two weeks in December... I know what they both feel like.  No this was a different yet all too familiar type of misery... I felt hyper-anxious, irritable, frustrated, and depressed in a far darker way than forgetting my antidepressants causes..  For the first time in 8 months I've had thoughts of killing myself. [Please note that I'm not going to do it and I don't want to die, honest.  They're just desperate, escapist thoughts that bubble to the surface out of habit anymore when something is really wrong.]  I should've known it was my testosterone levels.  Nothing can make me feel worse than feeling male.  I'd probably fare better with 900 pg/dL of Clorox in my veins.  So if that wasn't enough, I come home and go looking for trouble.  I'd been thinking about my ex (wife) since yesterday following a discussion with Sean, and I ended up looking her up on Myspace.  I don't know why it shocked me so much to actually find her profile!  It's the first I've seen of her in over a year (even though she probably still lives only five miles away). It's just surreal to see her again, and it brings up a lot of questions.. is she happy, has she moved on, has she seen me, does she hate me, has she found love again?  I'm kinda remembering why I tried so hard to be a man for her.. she just has this child-like innocence that makes you want to protect her from the world and see to it she's happy.. I thought long ago I could sacrifice anything for her, seems I was wrong.. I feel horrible about that; sometimes I wish I had just died trying, but then neither of us would've been happy.  I'm sorry L... if somehow I could have given my life to make you happy I would have without hesitation.. I still would.. but it turns out dying for someone is a whole lot easier than living for someone.  I'm too selfish.. I can only live for myself. I had had enough drama by this point.. I needed to recharge. So (kinda stupidly) I decide to go to the gym where Sean and I nearly got kicked out a month back.  I haven't blogged about that before.. suffice it to say the manager didn't like our choice of lockerrooms. [Actually, I had been using to men's room for months by this point, but someone had lied and said I was in the women's room.  He was an unconscionable prick anyway -- and I told him so.]  So, I'm changing in the men's room to do laps, and it's really crowded for some reason.  I hide in thecorner as best I can (still surrounded by guys) with my back to the room when I take off my shirt, but someone was watching because a moment later a gym employee calls out "ma'am?"  I spin around automatically, then mentally dope-slap myself.. if I had only not reacted he might have left me alone.  "You do know you're in the guys' room.. right?"  This should be a compliment, but I'm really annoyed.  I get screamed at because someone accused me of being in the ladies' room, and now I'm harassed in here.  I tell him I know where I am.  The combination of my voice and face seem to answer his questions and he leaves with a smirk and an unapologetic "oh." The rest of the time there I'm fully expecting the manager or someone else to yank me out of the pool and throw me out.  It sucks to live in fear.  Alright, enough.. I plan to turn this day around right now.  I'm going to the Church tonight with a new friend I met New Year's Eve.  Hope to see ya'll there!! <3 me post comment

[25 Oct 2006|01:30am] [ mood | stressed ] You know things aren't going well when you give serious consideration to joining an LJ community for sex-workers. I need a job, desperately! 18 comments|post comment

</3 [07 Oct 2006|08:00pm] I'm in love. Seriously, honestly, completely. But these tears aren't those of joy. It's mutual; he loves me very much... but it's already doomed. He has a serious long-term girlfriend, and in the end, he won't be leaving her for me. I knew I shouldn't have fallen for him.. the last time I fell for someone I knew was wrong I got hurt, and this time it will be worse. Much worse. He's absolutely incredible: smart, hot, funny, sensitive, insightful, driven, fearless, charming, charismatic, socially-conscious, romantic... and taken. It's a tragedy in the making, but I love him anyway, and there's no doubt he loves me. We knew it the second time we saw each other. But he loves his woman more, or at least he will in the long run. We've only ever shared one kiss, nothing else physical.. it was only a quick kiss goodnight too, we didn't want to cross any lines. But our hearts did anyway. There's so much to say, but no time at all to write it down... things are moving so fast now. Gotta run, triple-booked plans for tonight.. this should be interesting. 1 comment|post comment

[26 Sep 2006|03:21am] [ music | Coldplay - Speed of Sound ] Tyler wasn't convinced there was anything wrong with how the waiter kept calling the two of us "guys." And logically I couldn't argue; I knew he was right. The term "guys" is commonly applied to a mixed-gender group. I say the same thing myself. But I couldn't let it go either, something in the way the waiter said it put me on the defensive. Maybe it was something about the way he looked at me, I dunno. I decided I would avoid eye contact altogether. I had to use the bathroom but I couldn't tell in which direction to head. Tyler asked the waiter who happened to be walking by, and he pointed the way. I used the ladies' room (as much as I hate to) because the only thing more uncomfortable is using the men's room. When I came back out, a waiter and a couple of waitresses were hanging around the hallway to the bathroom, staring. I had the distinct impression they were waiting for me... to see which bathroom I used. Had our waiter informed them??? Despite my normal confidence and tolerance for what may very well be harmless curiosity, I felt somewhat humiliated. And I could do nothing about it, because I couldn't be certain they were waiting there for me. So I gave them a sarcastic smile and walked back to our booth. My confidence was shot. That's not a terribly easy thing to do either... I had just walked around the mall for an hour holding a man's hand without the least bit of embarassment. But the negative vibe coming from the Chili's waitstaff touched all the wrong nerves. I sunk into the booth sideways and sat with my legs up on the bench. In my heart I wilted as well. I wouldn't be able to turn this around, not here... I just wanted to leave. Tyler was still eating and we hadn't paid yet, so for the moment I was content to hold his hand, knowing he understood and supported me. The waiter returned to see if we wanted anything else. We told him no, then he said plainly what I knew he was insinuating the entire time: "I'll be right back with the check, gentlemen." Ouch. That was intentional. There was no way you could think that I, appearing as I did, would ever want to be called a gentleman. At best it could be called grossly insensitive, but I believed it bordered on mean-spiritedness. "Asshole," I hear Tyler whisper. At last, he knew my suspicion about the waiter had been right, and he leapt to my side. I can't tell you how good that felt... to have an ally come to your defense without having to be asked. Just to have him believe me when I said I was feeling discriminated against was so important to me. I would have felt so alone if he had instead made excuses for the waiter, trying to tell me he didn't really mean it. He meant it. I now had all the proof I needed and felt free to "assert" myself, however, the waiter turned to leave without seeming to notice me giving him the finger. My anger faded back into embarassment before he returned with the check, but Tyler wasn't going to let it slide. He filled out the check and showed it to me; the line for the tip read "NOTHING!". Out of fear of retalliation, I told him not to leave it like that, but he insisted. By the time we were out in the parking lot, I was so glad he did. Not everyone can really understand how that could hurt me so much. Some just don't want to. But Tyler, not only did he understand, he seemed to have felt my pain as well, and I never felt closer to him. =) I want to be stronger than that. I know I can be. And I really don't want to constantly burden those around me with my problems, or have them fight my battles for me. In the meantime though, time and again it's made clear to me I have great friends I can count on. 4 comments|post comment

[23 Sep 2006|12:27am] Sorry I've been away so long. Been wasting time over at MySpace. And sleeping a lot. Come say hi if you like. =) 3 comments|post comment

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